


Try to Understand What Brought You So Low

by Sansa_of_the_North



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:20:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5727754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sansa_of_the_North/pseuds/Sansa_of_the_North
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas thinks over his years at Downton and tries to figure himself out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Try to Understand What Brought You So Low

**Author's Note:**

> More musing than a proper fic, but hope you enjoy.

_What was it that brought you so low?_

What a question. His first thought was, _I don't want to leave._ He truly didn't; this was the only home he'd known for fifteen years, and his childhood home had been less than ideal. He didn't suppose any of the others thought of him as a friend, but they were friends to him. How he admired Daisy's passion and loyalty. All the cheeky remarks he and Mrs. Patmore had traded over the years. Mrs. Hughes being kind to him, treating him like an errant child. How Miss Baxter always believed in him, although he didn't deserve it. How Anna had never said a cruel thing to anyone. The comfort of knowing Mr. Carson would always be there like a father to them all, even if he was a father who didn't like him very much (how history repeats itself). Even Mr. Bates, how their feud had somehow turned into an established habit of sniping at one another, and how in a way, Bates was a conscience he didn't want to hear.

They were familiar, and complicated, and deep down in a place he'd never admit to, he loved them.

So why had he acted the way he did? What made him so despised by them?

When he'd first come to Downton, he'd been so angry, so afraid, so jealous. He'd wanted power, so he wouldn't be afraid. The power of a higher position, the power of secrets and plots, the power to make the second footman, so sweet and from such a happy home, feel as miserable as he did. He'd told Bates, when the man had pushed him against a wall and threatened to knock his teeth in, that he wasn't afraid. But he had been, and that made him feel like a fool, and weak, and he'd be damned if he took that lying down.

Two years in the trenches had terrified him, but he wasn't alone in that. In a way, the war made him feel grown up. What did petty little squabbles matter? Only he'd gotten into a pattern of being petty and cruel, and knew no other way to be. Even when he was manager at Downton, how he flaunted his new power. Then his scheme of the black market—that would make him independent. He wouldn't be at the whim of an employer if they found out how he was different. But he'd been a bloody fool, and lost it all. Downton was still there, and he'd found a way to slip himself back in like an eel. 

Tricks and meanness, they came so easily to him. He'd fought tooth and nail for his position as valet in Bates's absence, and the thought of Alfred getting a similar position so easily rankled. Nothing had ever been easy for him, no one gave him anything. And somehow that was the end of his only friend at Downton—Miss O'Brien, who was as angry and bitter as himself.

Then his worst fears came to pass—he fell for Jimmy Kent, and almost lost his livelihood and his freedom. But that was the first inkling that he wasn't completely hated by everyone. Mrs. Hughes had accepted him, Bates had helped him, and his lordship had kept him on. You'd think he would have learned to be nicer then.

Thomas bloody Barrow was too thick for that.

Even when Jimmy became his friend, he still felt alone and vulnerable. Secrets were power, and he needed power to keep him safe. So he brought in Miss Baxter to spy for him, and bullied her cruelly. He didn't even know why he was doing it, only that he needed something, needed to keep ahead of everyone else. Like most of his schemes, that had backfired into almost being sacked.

When Jimmy left, his heart was crushed. Nothing seemed to matter except the weight of his loneliness. All the things that had fuelled him turned against him—anger that he was different, fear of always hiding and having no one, and jealous of other people's happiness. What could he do but try to change himself? What pain wouldn't he go through to make it all stop? But it was all a hoax, and once again he was a fool.

Then somehow, without realizing it, he became the prime target to be sacked, and no one cared because no one liked him. At least, not much. But the thought of leaving for good made him realize he'd laid down roots here. He wasn't always the nicest person, it was true, but most of the time he went along smoothly with everyone, doing his job efficiently. He was _great_ at his job, so why was he being thrown out? At the thought of losing his place, he came to appreciate it all the more. Maybe because he still couldn't stop saying things he didn't mean, or maybe because they couldn't forget about the past, but they just didn't want him.

He couldn't change, or they wouldn't let him change. And they were all he had. Now he had nothing. What had brought him so low? A past of hurt and bad decisions that left him with nothing. It was too late now—he couldn't live on pity forever. 

All he could do was resolve to be a new person at his next job, to start with a clean slate.


End file.
